Two Prophetic and Haunting Songs About New Zealand Live On Ukulele

[Spoken Intro]
So, I wanted to play what I've been referring to on this tour as "the New Zealand trilogy." My history with this place is pretty weird and coincidental, and synchronicity has visited me quite a few times when I've been touring in this country. I was here some years ago, again at, like, the end of a tour, tired, and I was supposed to play a show in Christchurch and I came, as I did this time, up to Napier to visit my friend Kya, just for a couple of days to take a few moments off, and then I was in the airport in Napier, about to board a flight to Christchurch and, all of a sudden, all of the planes werе canceled becausе there was an earthquake. And, it turns out, the venue I was supposed to be playing that night in Christchurch was gone. And, had I been in that venue eight hours later, I would have been, with all of the people in the venue, very possibly killed. And, you know, a lot like this round, it's just really strange, the coincidences that happen to you as you're moving through the world and touring

And on another tour, right around the same time, I had written this song, this spontaneous song about Tasmania. It was basically a song about pubic hair. And then, a week or so later, I found myself touring here and someone made a snide comment saying, like, "Hey, you wrote a song for the Australians, what about us? We don't ever get a song?" And I was like "I'm so tired, I'm at the end of tour, don't make me do it!" But, there I was, backstage in a little club in Wellington thinking, "oh, this poor country, I should write a song for them too." So I did. This is that song but it takes on a really strange new meaning when you consider where I wound up nine years later. I'm going to play it for you now and you'll understand in a second. It goes like this

[Verse 1]
New Zealand, New Zealand
You caught me on an awful day
My little life is all fucked up
My psyche is in disarray
New Zealand, New Zealand
I wish I could enjoy you more
I wish I had more time to see
Your cliffsides and your blackened shores

[Verse 2]
New Zealand, New Zealand
I don't know why I tour this way
Trapped inside an airplane
And Twittering the scenery
New Zealand, New Zealand
I feel like shit, what can I say?
My period is six days late
My pubic hair is turning grey
But I don't believe in the beauty standard
And there's no way that I'm pregnant
So it's technically okay

[Bridge]
Everything is so beautiful here
The people on Cuba Street
Drinking their beer
I wish I could stay here and never go home
I wish I could be just like Holly Hunter in The Piano
And not have to talk to anyone, even though there's technically nothing wrong with my voice
And just play piano and make love to hot local boys

[Verse 3]
New Zealand, New Zealand
You caught me at the end of tour
My psyche is collapsing
And I cannot do this anymore
New Zealand, New Zealand
My song is coming to an end
I hope you have enjoyed it
And I hope I get my period
I hope I haven't grossed you out
But that's what you get when you ask me to write a song about your country in twenty minutes

[Spoken interlude]
Thank you! So that was that masterwork! And then I thought it would be funny in mid-March when I was playing these songs, or, you know, I was touring in Auckland and Christchurch, and in both cases I almost nearly cancelled the show because of what was going on with COVID and, you could imagine, this was like March 14th, 15th, and things were just very strange, and the venue didn't really know what to do, and I didn't really know what to do, and the people in the crowd didn't really know what to do, and everyone was like "we'll use hand sanitizer, it'll be great!"

Looking back, we were just very lucky. I had just flown from Melbourne. I could have, well, been carrying COVID and spitting on everyone, but that didn't happen. I dodged a bullet. But I thought it would be funny if I played a new song, that I'll play for you, kind of as a time capsule, kind of an extension of that song, but updated for what was happening on, whatever it was, March 14th, to the people of Auckland and it went like this

[Verse 1]
Hello, Aotearoa
Good evening, kia ora
I am from a country that's far, far away
And my country's been having a very bad day

[Verse 2]
There is news of a virus
There are racists and violence
Yes, the crisis and climate's not mild
And our leader's a psychopath child

[Verse 3]
And now I'm here in Auckland
And now things could get awkward
If the news keeps on going this way
It could be that I'll be forced to stay

[Verse 4]
But as long as I can send
For my son and my husband
Who are over the Tasman, well
Things won't be that bad then

[Verse 4]
I think this is a really great place
To watch the fall of the human race
You've got fantastic coffee and beer
Yes, if the shit's going to hit the fan
New Zealand, I think I'll stay here