Russian Roulette

I just put one in the chamber
I been tryna end it all
Got my back against the wall
You needa know it was never ya fault

Why would I spin the revolver when I got it
Fully loaded I won't sugarcoat it if it's duly noted

You don't know the fuckin half of it
This is everything I have from it
I was tryna get a bag from it
Now I'm never comin back from it

All I wanted was some separation
Knowin death is waitin round the corner shit is like a destination
Let me die with no investigation
Cuz I put the demon into demonstration

Wait
It's gettin harder to breathe
I never thought I deserved it but they want me dead
So I guess they got somethin in common wit me

How can I sleep when it's all that I dream
I tried to end it in Summer 16
I used to front like there's nothin to see
Now I'm sick in the head til I'm fucking deceased

I ain't do shit about it til I sobered up and I was even worse
I used to say that I got it bad
Until I figured out I fuckin need it worse

What I gave up wasn't reimbursed
I won't be alive to see the percs
I ain't wrappin this is bandages
My disadvantage is causin the damages

Nowadays I'm bleedin through it
I just been feelin like I needa do it
I used to shed a tear and keep it
movin
But now it's so easy to lose it

How the fuck can I be suicidal and just wanna die in every song
Then threaten anyone who wants to hurt me I been doin that shit all along, I need to know

How can I live in the past when a lot of shit
Changed, since then
Ain't been the same, since then

I'm been afraid, since then
I got this shame, since then
I took the blame, since then
Everything made, sense then

That's the reason that I had enough and nothin's
Addin up enough to back it up
If you ever see me actin up
That's how I hide my feelins I won't pass it up

I been waitin for this mo, ment
Ain't no tellin where my soul, went
I remember tryna blow out my brains
And the fuckin gun was never load, ed

I can't lose it if I never had it
I just thought that I was gettin better at it
If you think that shit will ever happen
Then ya reachin for it like Inspector Gadget

Cuz I'm just an addict, fuck
2 Years sober cuz I'm terrified
2 Years sober cuz I'm scared to die
But if was scared to try, then where am I

I needa know where I'm at
But I never found it out
I know some of y'all are countin on me
But I'm way too busy countin down

Everything's gettin scary, I ain't gettin buried, cuz I missed it barely
Shoulda been in the obituary, but that ship has sailed just like I missed the ferry

If I'm whinin get the cork
Fuck it I can't be ignored
Til the day that I'm a corpse
Let me get it from the source
Cuz that's all I can afford

I need to know how much time I got left
How can I live when I stress over death
I'm coppin out I can't give it arrest
If I see 30 then I'll be impressed

Pick up the phone cuz I know you know who to call
I'm not terrified to lose at all
I'm just terrified to lose it all

I think I'm stuck in regret
I think I'm done wit the threats
If you don't know why I'm fuckin upset
It's because I can't even win russian roulette