Staying Mellow Blows

I left my place for Montréal
I needed space, I didn’t mean all summer
You came with us to the Capital
Locked you down for those three dates, you’re such a runner

When we got to that ghosty town
The sun was down and all the fog was gone
I felt sick, I didn’t talk on the way, you clowned around
The next day you thanked us all for driving you to Saint John

As we pulled away from the bus
I felt lighter cuz I wasn’t ready to confront it all
Back then there wasn’t much to discuss
But as we travelled south and west and then back east into the fall

In my favourite city but playing the wrong place
At some stupid speakeasy, an imposter again
I was angrily and without explanation taking space
Missed the first band on the roster as I rolled back in at ten

And I felt like an asshole many times but really then
Why was I even there if not to take in other humans?
But when I felt my worst I am sure was when
I decided to reach out but not to see how you were doin

That was all the way in Quebec
And I want to slowly work my way through it
The first time I stopped and breathed for a sec
Was in Washington, DC at the Dove Lady set

Hot Springs was heavy even though we swam and drank
All I could think about was carrying you home
I felt like I was swimming in a rotten old fish tank
Playing for a hundred people in a sweaty bar alone

Oklahoma, Las Vegas, Los Angeles and Davis
I started breaking down and thought about some buses back
He could feel it so he rattled off everything he gave us
By Arcata I had lost it and in BC I collapsed

And then I got back up as we turned around back east
And I counted up the time: it had been six days and five weeks
And I was 26 and as lost as I’d ever been
We crossed from Maine into New Brunswick and I felt a bit like me

Pantoum was the one that hurt the most
It was where you called me by her name
At that point I had already been coast to coast to coast
But with you I would have gone a longer way

So to prove that to you, I wrote you that nasty letter
I wanted to hurt you like you had hurt me
And I told you not to write me back like I somehow knew better
And it killed me but I wanted to be free

But it didn’t set me free, it just came around to me
And by the time that we got back to Montréal
I was scanning every face in the crowd just to see
If you’d shown up in spite of it all