Saturday Dec 14 2013

It's been exactly one year since I wrote that first poem about you

I sat in bed and started thinking about what happened at Sandy Hook
And how fragile life is
And how much I wanted you in mine

When you read it, you said you teared up
And couldn't believe whatever this was we found in each other
You called it indescribable

I lied in the same spot a year later
With you beside me
Emotionless
Thinking about how I watched you change with every season

How spring turned into summer
Turned into autumn
Turned into winter

How the purity of something new
Became as hot as the persistent day
As it rests too heavily on tired flowers
And how when that tiredness wins
They die, like everything else

I could feel my chest collapsing that night
I sat in the stairway and read every word you had written
To someone else while you were gone

How you teared up when you read the words he wrote to you
How you couldn't believe what you found
You even called it indescribable

Now I can't stop thinking
About what those words might have been
And how they compare to mine

I can't sleep because I need to know what you found
And if it feels anything like what I lost
I'm sorry if I'm so stuck in this

Its just before you came along I spent four years
With someone who would watch me
Watch the world
But couldn't hold my hand and see what I saw

Someone who loved me so much
But couldn't understand how a human soul
Could mimic the seasons

Or how a person can be fine
For so long
But wake up one morning wanting to die
All over again

So when that feeling rises over the mountains
All I ask of the world is that they greet it differently
Than pagans when they worship the Sun

I am old soil
Mixed with the compulsion
To describe what used to grow here
To describe the indescribable sensation
Of life in a dying field

As if remembering the smell of your blossoms
Is the only thing keeping me alive