Damn Near Died in Killaloe

A wedding invitation arrived out of the blue
My cousin Tim was getting hitched to a girl from Killaloe
He wanted me to be there, even though we'd never met
And that wedding day in Killaloe is a one I won't forget

The knot was tied in Killaloe
He kissed the bride in Killaloe
Got ossified in Killaloe
Damn near died in Killaloe

Well, I cleared the immigration, went straight up to the hooley
I paid too much insurance for me rental from Dan Dooley
'Twas a tiny little Skoda, 'twas hardly four feet wide
When we squeezed in, the steering wheel was on the other side
And once we left the airport, I had an awful fright
The cars were coming towards me, I was driving on the right
I went the wrong way 'round the roundabout, I hadn't got a clue
So I started driving backwards down the road to Killaloe

I crashed my ride in Killaloe
The knot was tied in Killaloe
He kissed the bride in Killaloe
Got ossified in Killaloe
Damn near died in Killaloe

Somehow they lost my luggage between Shannon and O'Hare
No toothbrush or tuxedo, no socks or underwear
I came in on a Sunday, so all the shops were closed
So my cousins tried to fit me out in Uncle Barry's clothes
Who knew what you could do with day-glo polyester
With wingtips and a furry tie, I was tricked out like a jester
Ten minutes 'til the service, so what else were we to do?
That's time enough for a couple o' rounds at the pub in Killaloe

No clothes had I in Killaloe
I crashed my ride in Killaloe
The knot was tied in Killaloe
He kissed the bride in Killaloe
Got ossified in Killaloe
We damn near died in Killaloe

Well, the church was locked when we arrived, so we snuck around the side
We jumped in through the window, landed right next to the bride
The groom was hardly sober, so we helped him say "I do"
I think we all got married in the church in Killaloe

Got locked outside in Killaloe
With a furry tie in Killaloe
No clothes had I in Killaloe
I crashed my ride in Killaloe
The knot was tied in Killaloe
He kissed the bride in Killaloe
Got ossified in Killaloe
We damn near died in Killaloe

Then off to the reception at Chaplain's function room
Well into the champagne and we couldn't find the groom
The best man gave a slurry speech, he rambled on and on
And a pack of drunken uncles started singing rebel songs
The ceili band played the Chicken Song, and then the Siege of Ennis
Carly grabbed my hand and wheeled me round, by Christ, she was a menace
She threw me 'cross the floor, bounced me like a kangaroo
We were dancing on the tables in the pub in Killaloe

And I lost my pride in Killaloe
Got locked outside in Killaloe
With a furry tie in Killaloe
No clothes had I in Killaloe
I crashed my ride in Killaloe
The knot was tied in Killaloe
He kissed the bride in Killaloe
Got ossified in Killaloe
We damn near died in Killaloe

Now, I know they say "What God has joined, let no man put asunder"
But how anyone survived at all, it's a miracle and wonder
And anyone who says there's nothing worse than Armageddon
Has never been invited to a full-blown Irish wedding

Well, I did survive in Killaloe
My liver fried in Killaloe
And I lost my pride in Killaloe
Got locked outside in Killaloe
With a furry tie in Killaloe
No clothes had I in Killaloe
I crashed my ride in Killaloe
The knot was tied in Killaloe
He kissed the bride in Killaloe
Got ossified in Killaloe
We damn near died in Killaloe