Roommates

(Track scratches in)
Go back to your dorm, you got your roomate. And that never works out. That never works out. They don't want it to work out. They want it so it's like a Real World episode in your dorm room.
(Crowd cheers)
Like, I don't understand, they have the compatibality test you filled out at the beginning of the year. That's such a joke that test you fill out at the beginning of the year. It's like, "Um, I rock and roll, I like stayin' up late, and I love the ladies, aw yeah, cool!"
"OK, we got your perfect roommate for you. He's an opera major, he's a narcoleptic, and he's gay, so guy fight at each other. We got four camerca angles. That'll be perfect. Welcome to college, go screw yourself."
"Wha?"
"Yeah, well what else do we say here? OK"
Then you think, you say, "OK, I gotta be, I gotta beat my buddy from highscool is comin' up. He's gonna be my roommate, it's gonna be awesome." No. It is never awesome. It doesn't work out.
Girl: Yeah it does.
Jimmy Fallon: No it doesn't. I hate to tell ya. You will fight each other. You will just get, you'll just get, I'll tell you why. One is, they have too much dirt on you. Your friend from home has too much dirt, they'll kill you. They'll crush you in an argument for no reason. Like, you'll just say, "Hey man, uh, your dishes have been in the sink for, like too weeks, man. Their your dishes. Are you gonna clean 'em or what?"
"Yeah, remember when you had crabs in 6th grade?"
(Crowd laughs)
"Not fair to bring up my crabs."
(Track scratches out)