Domestic Life

She pressed the knife lightly against his left testicle and said, "Now do I have your attention?"

He yawned and said, "Yes, yes, what is it now..."

She said, "Ommina cut off your fucking balls."

He said, "Yes, I gathered that, but what's the subtext here? You don't really want to cut off my balls, you want me to do something. Why don't you tell me what you want me to do?"

She said, "I want you to know what I want you to do."

As she said this he slipped away and quickly opened the lower drawer of the end table and pulled out the revolver. He cocked and aimer it and said, "Is this it? Is this what you want me to do? You want me to shoot you in your fucking ass? Turn around, ommina shoot you in your fucking ass!"

"That gun's not loaded, fuck-face," she said. "I took the bullets out of it last night."

"Oh yeah?" He said. "I reloaded it this morning." And to prove his point, he shot the television.

"You stupid fuck!" She said. "The season premiere of ER is on in five minutes! George Clooney! George Clooney! Must-see TV!"

"Oh, honey," He said. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, come on, we'll watch it in the living room."

"Forget it," She said. "I'm not in the mood. Maybe tomorrow."

Maybe tomorrow, indeed, for aren't we all prisoners of time? Isn't everything we do done with one eye on the clock?

"Shut up," she said. "Who asked you anyway? Honey let's sell this house, it's too big. Let's sell this house and buy a trailer, put the leftover money in mutual funds, and live off of the dividends for the rest of our lives."

"Sugar pie," He said. "That really ticks me off. One minute you want to cut my balls off, then when I'm (already-you-up??), you want to do something different. 'Live in a trailer' Maybe I should shoot you in the ass. 'You're not in the mood, you're not in the mood' Well maybe I'm in the mood. Maybe I'm really in the mood. Maybe I'll just mosey on down to Lucy's trailer and shoot HER in the ass. Have her cut off a testicle or two. How does that tickle you?"

She sat silently for almost thirty seconds and then said, "We don't live in a trailer park, stupid, you can't 'mosey on down to Lucy's trailer' because the nearest trailer park is two hours on the interstate."

She was right, of course. The nearest trailer park was over a hundred miles away on I-9-

"I JUST SAID THAT!" She said. "Just shut the fuck up, and let me think for a minute."

Who are you talking to? I asked.

"Shut up," She said. "You're driving me fucking nuts."

"Honey," he said, "Let's go downstairs and watch George Clooney-"

"If you don't shut up..." she said,"I will shoot the living room television just as surely as I shot the bedroom television."

"But honey," he said, "It's the season premiere! Must-See TV! Must-See! Must-See! Besides, I shot the television."

"That's it," she said, "Kiss those balls goodbye." and she deftly hacked off his balls with a few quick strokes and stuffed them into his mouth.

"Hrnrngrnhhhg!" He said. "Hrnnrghugrgnnnghhrg!" He said.

She said "..."

He said "Shut up and let me eat my balls in peace! And will you stop saying 'He said,' or 'She said,' in the middle of everything we say? Or I'll cut your fucking balls off next!"

To which I replied, Okay, fuck you. Fuck you both. Take that knife and shove it up your asshole, you ungrateful little shits. I created you, I formed you out of nothing, like a god, I invented both of you and all you do is fight. I sat down and took the time to write a nice little story about you two, when I could have been watching ER. Go fuck yourselves! Both of you! Fuck you-fuck you-fuck you... You give and you give and what's the point? What's the fucking point? I missed the season premiere and now I'll never know what happened with the ... thing... and the ... thing and the. . . It's all so useless and hopeless, this is a very bad day.

"Hey look," he said. "I'm sorry. You're right."

"I'm sorry too," she said. "We're both being very selfish. We didn't realize you were in such pain. Let it out, don't hold back. Let it out. Tell us all about it."

"Yes," he said. "You can tell us. You can trust us. You can count on us. You can fuck us and kill us."

You really mean it? I said. I can tell you everything?

"Of course," they replied in unison, and stood there smiling their (Smarmly?) fucking smiles. So I killed them, fucked 'em, and hacked 'em to bits, and then I told them everything.