Ex Boyfriend

Hey, what's goin' on man?
It's your boy Lil Dicky
Aka Mr. Leftward-Sloping Penis
I got a story for y'all, man
Peep this
Yes sir, aight, let's go

Now I been datin' this girl named Katie, she hot as hell (ok)
And her body crazy, vagina shaven and it dont smell
And I don't fall for chickens
But this one a little different, body sickening
Plus, she really good at makin' breaded chicken
Got me thinkin' she the one, man (hey)
Even fully clothed, shawty really fun man (yeah)
Get a lotta hoes, but none of those come close
I swear this the most that I've felt so damn exposed
Oh yeah there's one more thing
And I know this shit gonna sound insane
But I still haven't hit it
I admit it, I wish I was kidding
Never been up inside before
Because she's only fucked one guy before
And though I really wanna boink this whore
She my sweetie three point one four
So I'm stayin' patient and masturbatin'
And now my heart is sorta racin'
'Cause she said tonight will be the night we do some fornicatin' (let's go)
Hell yeah, I'm down, I'm 'bout to go all out (I will)
I'm gonna pound that crazy, like an elaborate black man handshake
But on the way to the crib, we pass this kid
And he seem to know who Katie is
So I say, "who this?" and she say
"Dicky, this is my ex-boyfriend Jim"

And I ain't usually the one to be the jealous type
But as I'm lookin' at this dude, I can't believe my eyes
'Cause he's the best lookin' guy that I've seen in my whole life
He's got the thickest head of hair, chiseled jaw, an egregious bod
Man, this the closest thing I've seen to a Grecian god
And now I'm lookin at my chick, 'cause his dick's been inside her raw (fuck that)
Aw, damn

Man this is crazy
I can't believe this guy used to fuck my lady
I bet he left that pussy ravaged like Haiti
Katie's huggin' and squeezin' his shoulder blades
And I'm buggin' and queasy, this ain't ok
And then they say, "let's get drinks" so I say, "ok"
Even though I was about to get laid
Man this motherfucker look like Ashton (damn)
Combined with a lil' Hugh Jackman (man)
In other words, he's so damn attractive
So damn tan, he gotta have a little black in him
Now I'm in the back with him, sippin' on some 'gnac with him
And he payin' for it all, he investment bankin'
I'm actin' like I ain't distracted
But I'm reenacting him and Katie bangin'
And now I'm feelin' pissed, so I go and take a piss
Midstream, I look left and guess who it is
And I had to see, and I was mad discreet
And I got on my tippy toes and I took a little peek
Oh my god Becky, look at that cock

And I ain't usually the one to be the jealous type
But as I'm lookin at his dick, I can't believe me eyes
Because he's got the biggest cock that I've seen in my whole life
And now I'm starin' at this dude's soft dick with a lot of hate
Because the shit is Plus 8 like Jon and Kate
And I don't know if I can date my girl after tonight
Aw, damn

I don't know what to do, dude's dick is really huge
I didn't realize a penis could be so smooth
I know she's missin' that, my penis isn't that
I'm lookin' closer I think that his dick has abs
Six pack on a dick, now what the fuck is that?
It's so long and thick, it's like a punching bag
I'm sayin' it's so shaven, head is amazin'
Got my dick lookin' like a raisin (wow)
Skin tone insane, man he's hung like Saddam Hussein, it's crazy
What the fuck should I do? (no)
He gotta a Ruth's Chris dick, and mine's a drive-through (no)
I think it's time to tell Katie my goodbyes
'Cause I simply can't survive
After seein' what was in between his thighs
So I tell her that

This dude's got a dick that I don't comprehend
I had to move my neck to see it end to end
I mean the physics of his dick just don't make any sense
And I think it's for the best if this comes to an end
Because the sex with him must have been the best
And I would say let's just be friends
But I think I would just think about his dick all the time, so goodbye
Then she told me, "Dicky, I don't really know what to say
Because I dated this dude in the second grade
So I don't know about his dick, now let's go home and get you laid"

And then I took her to my crib, and you know that we belly slapped
And I gave her an O like I was sellin' crack
And when I came, I pulled out and nutted all over her left thigh
And upper mid-section region, you can call that the pelvis
Some would even call that the pubic bone
Leave the pubes at home, makin' this up on the spot
Fuck you know about it?
I'm about to go paper mache my own dick and ride it

Aw, fuck, I think I just actually said I was about to
Make a paper mache version of my own dick and ride it
Yeah, I could understand how that, that can sound gay
But, like, you gotta realize that I was just free-stylin'
So like I wasn't really in control of what I was sayin'
And, I mean, 'cause it ain't me, I, I, real rap I am about to paper mache my dick
I won't even lie about that
I got, you know, the ingredients is right in front of me like laid out
Like, no bullshit, newspaper, I don't even know what the fuck you would call that shit, putty I guess

It's about to get real sexual up in here, huh
But I am not gon' ride it, that, that ain't me
I mean that's how I free, it came off the, the, the brain
Yeah, you know, if I, if I was thinin' that then it is what it is but I, I, I ain't gon' act on it
Heh, you know what I'm sayin', I ain't gonna act on that shit
But I am about to put that shit on the wall, though
The, uh, the paper mache, cast mold of my dick, so, there's that
Alright holla at me