Pretentious Friends

[Intro]
Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh I know
Oh oh no, oh no, oh no, oh I know
Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh I know
Oh oh no, oh no, oh no, oh I know

[Verse 1]
I run shit in this house, like I was now or never
And with no effort, I bet you I could change my name to Klaus
Or something mildly Flemish
Pick up a Saudi chemist from an Orange County dentist
Ouch
I’m whistling, trading, eating
At poetry readings at AA meetings
I text you pictures of my keister or cervix
Or dead bodies from a Middle Eastern skirmish

Damn, I’m oh so snooty
A bro gropes boobies, has sex with Snow White
At the gym, on pedal bikes
Replenishing electrolytes
You’re honored I dipped my junk in the fondue
Told boring stories, showed my blonde pubes
I’m from the church of Satan’s archdiocese
So I fart fire pits and heart giant tits

(Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh I know
Oh oh no, oh no, oh no, oh I know)

[Verse 2]
I’m a prick. All of our inane dialogue
And my day’s minutiae gets micro-blogged
Ew. Plus I smell like Fido the dog
In gray Pumas, I look like Sideshow Bob
Urinate in what the cod-fish swims in
Who was to think, I’m God’s gift to women?
Flirting with about 30 Asian chicks
With herniated discs, eating turkey bacon bits

[Skit]
Busdriver: "Nigga."
Pillow Talk: "Oh hey boo, how you be?"
"Oh, oh. I saw you at the Cannes Film Festival."
"No that wasn’t me. You didn’t see me down there, uh-uh baby."
"Oh, yes."
"You talking about Cannes? You a cunt."
"Tell me about it."
"I saw you getting jiggy at Sundance with no pants on."
"In Holland?"
"Mhm."
"Hmm, do tell. I bought those shoes also, for 30 Euros, at the Champs-Élysées."
"Nigga, please. These shoes? This cummerbund? Oh step, hon. Oh and by the way, the paté?"
"The paté was fabulous."
"Goose liver, nigga!"
"Yes."

Get ‘em

[Verse 3]
Oh, I know, you want my R&B hook
Oh, I know, your brain's been partially cooked
When this breaks this pillow under the gourmet kibble
Your solar plexus be in this trouble hence the dribble, it's what the beat's for
There it is
My friendship's like a health plan
I think on a multi-tiered color telegram
The movie trailer leaked, I hope they get the plumber’s putty
My script writing takes three Welsh understudies

I enjoy the congress of the water buffalo
Hoes stop and hold 'em, rock salt through the double O’s
Y’all niggas, too, think I’m a hot date
With a Prop 8 slashed out on my ballot box
Salad tossed into a chocolate cake
Cause I’m so cute
My hoes they look at me and their water break
And babies pop out with one gold tooth

(Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh I know
Oh oh no, oh no, oh no, oh I know
Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh I know
Oh oh no, oh no, oh no, oh I know)

[Hook]
I never never repeat it over and over and over again
I’m one of your pretentious friends, pretentious friends, pretentious friends
I never never repeat it over and over and over again
I’m one of your pretentious friends, pretentious friends, pretentious friends