Cheese Shop

Good Morning
Morning, sir
Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium
Ah, thank you, my good man
What can I do for you, sir?

Well, I was sitting in the public library
On Thurmon Street just now
Skimming through Rogue Herry's by Hugh Walpole
And I suddenly came over all peckish

Peckish, sir?
Esuriant
Eh
'Ee, ah wor 'ungry-loike
Ah, hungry

In a nutshell, and I thought
To myself, A little fermented curd will do the trick
So I curtailed my Walloping activities
Sallied forth and infiltrated your place
Of purveyance to negotiate the vending
Of some cheesy comestibles

Come again
I want to buy some cheese
Oh, I thought you were complaining
About the bouzouki player
Oh, heaven forbid, I am one who delights
In all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse

Sorry?
'Ooh, ah like a nice tune, 'yer forced too
So he can go on playing, can he
Most certainly, now then
Some cheese please, my good man

Certainly, sir, what would you like?
Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester?
I'm afraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir
Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?

I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week
Sir, we get it fresh on Monday
Tish tish, no matter, well stout yeoman
Four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please

Ah, it's been on order, sir, for two weeks
Was expecting it this morning
T's not my lucky day, is it, aah, Bel Paese?
Sorry, sir

Red Windsor?
Normally, sir, yes, today the van broke down
Ah, Stilton?
Sorry

Ementhal, Gruyere?
No
Any Norwegian Jarlsberg, per chance?
No

Lepta?
No
Lancaster?
No

White Stilton?
No
Danish Brew?
No

Double Gloucester?
No
Cheshire?
No

Dorset Bluveny?
No
Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq
Port Salut, Savoy Aire
Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest
Bres Bleu, Bruson?
No

Camembert, perhaps?
Ah, we have Camembert, yes, sir
You do, excellent
Yes, sir, it's, ah, it's a bit runny
Oh, I like it runny

Well, it's very runny, actually, sir
No matter, fetch hither
The fromage de la Belle France, mwah

I think it's a bit runnier
Than you'll like it, sir
I don't care how fucking runny it is
Hand it over with all speed

Oh!
What now?
The cat's eaten it
Has he?
She, sir

Gouda?
No
Edam?
No

Case Ness?
No
Smoked Austrian?
No

Japanese Sage Darby?
No, sir
You do have some cheese, do you?
Of course, sir, it's a cheese shop, sir, we've got
No, no, don't tell me, I'm keen to guess
Fair enough

Uh, Wensleydale?
Yes
Ah, well, I'll have some of that
Oh, I thought you were talking to me, sir
Mister Wensleydale, that's my name

Greek Feta?
Uh, not as such
Uh, Gorgonzola?
No

Parmesan?
No
Mozzarella?
No

Paper Cramer?
No
Danish Bimbo?
No

Czech sheep's milk?
No
Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?
Not today, sir, no

Aah, how about Cheddar?
Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir
Not much call, it's the single most
Popular cheese in the world

Not 'round here, sir
And what is the most
Popular cheese 'round here?
Illchester, sir

Is it?
Oh, yes, it's staggeringly
Popular in this manusquire
Is it?
It's our number one best seller, sir
I see, uh, Illchester, eh
Right, sir?

All right, okay, have you got any?
He asked expecting the answer 'No'
I'll have a look, sir, um, no
It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?

Finest in the district
Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please
Well, it's so clean, sir
It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese

You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir
Is it worth it?
Could be
Have you, shut that bloody bouzouki up
Told you sir

Have you got any Limburger?
No
Figures, predictable, really I suppose
It was an act of purest optimism
To have posed the question in the first place

Tell me?
Yes, sir
Have you, in fact, got any cheese here at all?
Yes, sir
Really?
No, not really, sir

You haven't?
No, sir, not a scrap
I was deliberately
Wasting your time, sir

Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going
To have to shoot you
Right-o, sir
What a senseless waste of human life