My Clingy Girlfriend

I met her one day at the grocery store
She had a jar of pickles and ingredients for smores
I said to her smores are sweet but I'm sweeter
She laughed and said "Sure you are, make me a believer"
Oh smores.

I met her later for a cup of coffee
Something strange about the way she looked at me
I took her hand, pulled her close, then I kissed her
"Don't ever leave me" she said in a creepy whisper.
Oh shit.

My new clingy girlfriend... loves to text me all night
My clingy girlfriend is jealous of all kinds of
Women, my friends, my dog my Xbox
All of the above gotta be second to my clingy girlfriend.

A year goes by, and she moves in with me
My man cave is now pink and there are tampons under the sink
I had a drum set I played but she pawned it
At her friends wedding, she reached for the bouquet and she caught it
AWKWARD.

She spends her time looking at wedding dresses
Rings and cakes and flowers YEAH, she's kindof obsessed
I think it's time to consider other options
Cuz I suspect that she's poking holes in the condoms.
Need proof.

I made her a cupcake to soften the blow when
I told her "I'm not ready for this level of commitment"
She grabbed for a fork then stabbed me in the arm and
began to pull my hair out while expressing her resentment

And then she told me she would murder my whole family, my coworkers and the girl who took my order that day at Wendy's then she set the house on fire, and ran screaming right outside and I felt guilty as the flames reflected off her teary eyes.

So I took her back and now she won't let me have my car or my dog or my beer or my porn, my bathroom, my guitar, my pool table, my camera. my iPhone, my website, my Macbook Pro or my iPad my vitamins or my coffee maker the internet or my waffle iron my tools my washer dryer combo riding lawnmower my fuel filter or my PS3, or my sousaphone or my fishing pole or my life.