Little League

You know, I don't regret one minute that I spent with my kids
I guess it was one of the best things that I ever did
And I don't begrudge a day I spent trying to meet their needs
Unless it was that year I volunteered to coach the Little League

I remember batting practice, I put a baseball on a string
And I told this kid, "When I nod my head, haul off and hit that thing"
Gotta give him credit, he did exactly what I said
'Cause the second that I nodded, he hit me in the head

Oh, pitch and catch and hit and run, now how hard can it be?
But if you think it's just a game, you're wrong as you can be
I never had a harder job, more stress and more fatigue
Than the year I volunteered to coach the Little League

Well, we lost the season opener and then games two and three
Nobody could seem to hit the ball and it was sitting on a tee
Then my kid finally hit a little dribbler in the dirt
And you know, I think he could have beat it out, if he'd only run towards first

Then I told my wife, "I'm quittin', 'cause every game's the same
They whine and cry and fuss and fight and argue and complain"
And she said, "Well, well, why don't you just call their parents? Maybe they can help you out"
I said, "Honey, you don't seem to understand, it's the parents I'm talking about"

Oh, pitch and catch and hit and run, now how hard can it be?
Yeah, but if you think it's just a game, you're wrong as you can be
I never had a harder job, more stress and more fatigue
Than the year I volunteered to coach the Little League

And then we finally won a game, the other team didn't show up
Seems the coach had a nervous breakdown trying to figure out his lineup
He had a dozen kids and eighteen parents, but there was only one hitch
Fifteen parents wanted to coach and eleven kids wanted to pitch

And then the last game of the season was the wildest one by far
Umpire ran screaming from the field and locked himself in the car
And as the parents beat and rocked the car, trying to make it tip
I'm back on the field, giving the kids a lecture on good sportsmanship

Oh, pitch and catch and hit and run, now how hard can it be?
Yeah, but if you think it's just a game, you're wrong as you can be
I never had a harder job, more stress and more fatigue
Than the year I volunteered to coach the Little League
Oh, why'd I ever volunteer to coach the Little League?

Yeah, then there was that game we tied, nothing to nothing
Brickbat came sailing out of the stands, laid the umpire out cold
One of the little mothers threw it
Said the umpire was a four-eyed, lying, cheating, no-good bozo
She ought to know, she's been married to him for fourteen years
You know, this is a dangerous job
I think I'm gonna get a job on a SWAT team or something
Whoo, you could get hurt out here