Suicide Song

My phone rang, I converse with busy signal.
Why can't they let me die in pieces?
I don't want any more food or condolences, let my people go.
Burn off this useless flesh and make meals of my pestilence.
Lessons are my tournaquets.
Maybe I've seen too much and not had enough.
Either way, this is my last entry forever,
Please don't let my children read this.

I was meditating when I wrote this
The first time but interrupted by my screaming walls.
Hard to concentrate in my 7 x 12 cell,
Everyone watching my every move.
Even with these shrouds, I feel naked,
The windows talk to me and tell me that I oughtta leave.
Only one way out the door is too risky,
Someone might not see me be careful.

We used to paint, the canvas made me feel alive.
Oh, how they marveled at the spectacle I made of myself.
I made it for them, but it was really my communication to conjure up through.
Forever immortalized carbon dioxide chokes me,
And I fear no man but my shadows.
There are a lot of things I've learned not to say out loud,
If my parents were alive they'd still be proud.

Sometimes I imagine myself as a loss,
The leftover remains of a cast-away god.
If I'm homeless there's no earth.
Someday I'll be famous, and you can put that on my birth.
My word is worth the demons that raped my being, childhood didn't happen,
I was made as this my walking prison.
Guarded by my life on a limb, mood swings
Enjoy at my whim, take it for what it seems and much more.
Must find maker, how am I? and who did I?
And how did I wake up on this bench covered in mud?

Taking a shower won't alleive my stress.
I can't even lift my brush to paint my long-awaited good-bye.
Yet I'm feeling optimistic, relatively.
This is my testimony, in a test I've passed miserably.
Why do I keep dying in public places?
The medication should take two hours to take affect.
The last time I was killed eating my last meal,
It's embarrassing and I die inside.

This is my favorite rock,
I come here to think about all the things that make me.
This is my favorite poem,
I wrote this before I died last time.
These are my favorite friends,
They don't talk much and probably aren't even listening.
This is my favorite place,
So I hope that I don't last here too long.

The other night I was doing my everyday things,
Trying to find a girl to take to my apartment.
She's beautiful and clearly cares for me,
She likes my work, and wants to understand what fuels my art.
We lay side by side
Happy knowing that there was only thirty minutes left of this to endure.
She spoke typical things and gave of herself freely,
But started freaking out as I convulsed during oral sex.
Concerned for me, she held me,
And I laugh at those tears for a while.

the next day, I was still dead and she had joined me.
How odd as I recall of how she gave of herself freely.
As I drank my orange juice, I began to study all of her beauty,
We danced and made love for hours.
Talked about important things and how our children would grow up and die also.
And how futile it was until we finally fell in love,
I'll never be alone again and she will never leave me.

I've forgotten why I write these things down.
Even as I write this,
I'm realizing how useless it is to put ideas to words,
Water to wine, stupidity and valor,
The streetlights I pray to and the gutters I fish in.
My wife is no longer good at sex, her body doesn't speak to me
And I'm getting sick of her attitude.
There's other fish in the sea
And I haven't stopped breathing for three days,
I hope everything is alright.

today I downed ninety milligrams,
After twenty I could feel the head rush.
I raced to my gallery roof,
Gazing at the beauty that we always take for granted
It's my opening night, spinning everyone will be there who's anyone,
To bear witness to my newest, latest, and greatest work.
I'm a comet, human cannonball, swan-dive,
Never has the air been so clean,
I inhale then exhale and become one,
My end in the sidewalk,
A vivid display of 170 pounds of blood, sweat and tears critique away,
But my greatest work is in the pavement, I made it for you.

this is my favorite performance and I hope nobody ever bites it.
This is what I've been working up to all along, finally alone at last.
This is my favorite person, and she will always be with me in spirit.
These are my favorite words, I hope I don't have anything left to say.