Rancorous Heart

Mine is a mind that is tired all the time
It gets harder to find a good time to unwind
Back to work, I guess that's fine..?
Try to stay focused, put my head down
We can't all be kings, we can't all fit the crown
Flood that silence out with sounds
For a moment I'm grateful, haughty and proud
And then I'll see someone that's similar to me
But fitter and more nicely lit
Instantly up floods the blood spitting spite
And I feel my self worth shot to shit
Admit it's a sin, else it's hard to repent
You can't rape the willing, I give you consent!
Fire and blood's a stifling scent..
Squandering passion has left me bereft
Exhausted and spent - there's no fight in me left
Should I lay down and wait for death?
Am I self-absorbed, or just self obsessed?
Give me the spotlight and I'll hide in the wings
It's not even clear what I want
Tell friends that I'm quitting for the millionth time
Get mad when they act nonchalant
Everyone fakes that they're doing so great
No-one's admitting it's hard
Well, I can fake a half-smile use big words and act smart
But I can't fake not having an awful, rancorous heart

Further on down I can feel in my core that there's something important amiss
And you'd think I should know that I shouldn't compare and just fuckin get on with it
Give me the spotlight and I'll hide in the wings. Tell me to sit and I'll fly
I look like an old man and I act like a kid
And I live like I'm ready to die
No-one improves from feeling content. We risk it and pull it apart
I can half-fake politeness and witty remarks
But I can't fake not owning a caring, yet rancorous heart