Dorm Daddy

I'm a 40 year old man
haven't had a date in a year and a half
but my new girlfriend is a college freshman.
So hey baby ou do the math
She's wise beyond her 18 years
and some say that I'm quite young for my age
So I would say we meet somewhere in the middle
Probably somewhere between 27 and 28.
 I stay in her dorm
I moniter her halls
And if she ever needs a note written to her professor
I whip out my big old ball point pen

I call her my Peppermint Patty
She calls me her big dorm daddy.
And when she does I say

ANDY SPOKEN:
Baby, please don't call me that. It creeps me out
 
I told her she looks like Molly
The girl from The Breakfast Club
She said, I can't wait to meet your friend Molly
and does your breakfast group serve blueberry pancakes cause I love em.
And I said oh yeah they sure do
with syrup and butter to spare
and you know what baby I think thatone day we're gonna cross that bridge
as if that generation gap wasn't there.
 
I call her Peppermint Patty
She calls me her big dorm daddy.
And when she does I say

ANDY SPOKEN:
Baby, what'd I tell you about calling me that?
GIRL:
You said don't
ANDY:
So why do you keep doing it? Are you pushing my buttons?
GIRL:
It's a compliment.
ANDY:
In what way
GIRL:
I love my daddy
ANDY:
Well that's what I don't like about it. I don't want to be compared to your daddy.
GIRL:
But you're not. He's a little younger...
ANDY:
Oh, oh, you know what...
GIRL:
And he's...
ANDY:
Let's just dance baby. Let's waltz.
GIRL:
Who's Walt
ANDY:
No dance
GIRL:
Like the bunny hop
ANDY:
No. Honey I wasn't born in the 50's. Damn you.
 
You don't have school and I certainly ain'ts gots no class.
So let's say we go back up to your dorm room
So I can study your astrophysics
 
I call her Peppermint Patty
She calls me her big cuddly dorm daddy.
And when she does I say

ANDY:
Baby, you got to shut the fuck up with that shit.
GIRL:
Poo.

ALTERNATE ENDING:
ANDY:
Baby, you got to shut the f' up with that crap
GIRL:
OK.