A Question

Is it enough that you succeed or does someone else need to fail?
There's a lot that my soul still needs
And my heart has left a bleeding trail
To balance out my order/chaos dynamic
I derive joy from anything that isn't panic

Because life doesn't get easier
But our strength moves like meteors
And lately, I'm not afraid of monsters
As much as I'm afraid of becoming one

My mind has been hiding the imposters
And the thought of revenge sometimes sounds like fun
So I begin to run so I don't get lost in what was
Removing my pride so I don't feel so undone

It's crazy what a soul can become
'Cause you have to make
Your opponent seem reprehensible
So you don't have to take them seriously
But freedom from the chains of depression are obtainable
When I can talk to myself fearlessly

So, I turn to songs and music and bands that feel honest
Music where I'm finally not paying for the name
But I'm actually paying for the product
I promise that I'm echoing the message
That I was taught when I was facing trauma

I wrote about the real stuff in my life and now I feel like I've lost it
That sense of comfort of knowing no one really knows me
Because I'm afraid of my mistakes and I don't like feeling lonely
So I ask, you don't need to stay, but before you leave
Could you at least hold me?

I hate feeling this depression
I hate making first impressions
I hate digging my head in the sand

And I hate not having your attention
I hate that there's hate in my heart
And I promise that it'll someday leave me

But the moments I spend creating art are the only ones
That I feel can still complete me
And I'll say I love you to my dad more often
Now that my mom is living in heaven

I'll stop complaining about the past
And I'll stop hoping things were just more even
And I won't complain about the rules
Even when I feel that the game is not fair

Because life can end in one quick second
And it's time that I begin to care
I want to pray more often and I want to talk less
I want to let love begin to blossom and stop living in mess

I want to focus on my physical health
And stop indulging when I'm depressed
I want to make life less about fearing hell
And more about the love we possess
And I want to feel beautiful even in the moments that I regret
I just want to feel beautiful