I Never Thought I Would Be Okay

I let intentions hold more power than actions
And that's why I fall asleep alone
I sit here idly, finding timely spacing and phrasing
While writing and scribing words of watered-down angst and heartbreak
While my spirit runs wildly
How I envy my free spirit
And how I envy what I was supposed to be

My heart inhabiting life's snaking lucid dreams
Liquid ambitions, secret fiction, and other seamless things
Packed in stitch, packed in a propaganda
To sell my friends on the statement that life holds meaning
And I can write about the life I'm living
But most often, it feels like I'm just writing
Not living
But that's never stopped me before

That's never stopped me before, so I continue writing
And seen that after love and learning so many things
I never wanted to know
And now I'm a self-taught professional at letting go
Accepting that only black and white in life is now grapevines
Wrapping around my mind and numbing me into falling in love
A sacred bond, now a cultural joke

Still trying to live but functioning enough to keep pushing
I wish I could finally inhale and exhale freely
But sometimes I need to choke
I need to be reminded that this is not another formulated system I've come upon in order to feel accepted
Or maybe it is

Because I've become pretty good at keeping my demons at bay
And I always tell myself I got them to go away
But every time I move on to a new point in my life
I want them to stay
And everyday I'll invite them into my home stupidly
Just so I don't feel so alone
'Cause now I'm drowning, hoping somebody comes by
Or sees me as something worth saving

And the interesting thing about falling in love
Is that sometimes moving on keeps me from moving forward
I found out I'm not so grave
And I wanted to say this to your face
But my pride scared me away
So just promise me you'll tell me you love me, even if you're lying
Because it's all I wanna hear
Promise me you'll tell me you love me, even if you're lying
Because it's all I wanna hear

Promise me you'll tell me you love me
Because I love you, my dear
And I know it's petty
I know it's petty
But then again, so were we