Just How I Feel (Part 4)

Things lately all seem so tragic
The self-destruction's been gathering
Memories I'm hardly fathoming
Did they happen to me or someone I used to love that sounded like a piece of me leaving?
Every seven years, these cells are replaced
My body is part soil, part water, part garbage, maybe part you
Where did the DNA information travel?
Did I hold on too tight?
Did I harbor it?
I don't know
Have I grown to love the world around me because I built it?
Did I allow myself to experience life or just an echo chamber for the wicked?
I guess I never asked what would happen if the doctor got sick
Because to me, healers were never people
They were part of a service, and now I'm scared I've abused it
So where do good people go when they die, the ones you reject?
I wish you would disappear again so I could find myself
I'll swallow my pride if it means I wouldn't be so afraid of hell
Embellished or simply untrue
When I look into a mirror, can I still say: I love you?
Whatever whispered back: I love you, too
Was my reflection ashamed of the words I've shared?
When I turned on myself, will there be another pain to bear?
And with all of this, I keep the curtains shut
The sun reminds me of better days
I don't think about it too much
I keep my heart in my back pocket and my mind trapped in the strain
And now I just take it day by day

I miss looking up to Bill Cosby
I miss innocence
I miss being selfish
I miss Gene Wilder and Garry Shandling
I miss being afraid of marijuana
I miss when my friends hated me
I miss Jersey Shore
I miss being afraid of the dark
I missed my grandma's funeral to play music for 15 kids
I miss not having to hate myself to feel like I'm balancing out the score
I miss not being sick
I miss the pity I got when I was sick
I miss loving those around
I miss embracing hope
I miss when my heroes seemed perfect
But thank God they've been called out
'Cause I'm not living in the sickening ignorance
I miss me
I miss myself
I miss feeling lovely
I miss feeling loved
I miss feeling love
I missed three calls from you because I was watching TV
Not even a show I liked, just a show that I got sucked into
One of those shows about home renovations
I hated it, but I had to know if the seafoam tile in the bathroom would come in under budget
I miss the bad weather
I miss excuses
I miss the smell of a dinner being cooked for my whole family under one roof
I miss blank stares from across the room
I missed my moment to love you the right way the first time and I'm still beating myself up for it
I miss a lot of things
I miss nothing
I miss the nothingness that comes with missing nothing
But I miss the something I feel when I miss something
Or everything, or nothing
I miss skating
I miss watching you sing, even though I never heard you do it before
I miss those nights when my knees would hit the bedroom floor
'Cause I still believed in the power of praying
I miss the days where I didn't believe in prayer at all, 'cause there was no guilt
I miss watching Boy Meets World with my babysitter
He's the one who showed me P.O.D. and since then, I've been much happier
I miss me
I miss myself
I miss feeling lovely
I miss feeling loved
I miss feeling love
And someday, when my bones are dust
And my DNA's been spread through the garbage behind your house
I hope you also miss me

The first time smoking cigarettes and thought: This is the end of
Not realizing the package for the people around me
I was just 'cause it never happened
And I'm afraid of perspective
And I'm afraid of perspective
And I'm afraid of perspective
And I'm afraid of perspective
And I'm afraid of perspective
'Cause it'll chase me

If it is human nature to reject struggle, then I reject nature
We have become so, we are starting to drown
If it is human nature to reject struggle, then I reject nature
We have become so, we are starting to drown
If it is human nature to reject struggle, then I reject nature
We have become so, we are starting to drown

Death is not a moment in our lives
Death is constant
And our lives are a moment
So when we choose to spend our lives hating someone else
It's a moment
We hate something we see
In ourselves