Evil Dice Tango

[Verse 1]
I remember my first character with some affection
A bar-fighting barbarian, he'd no discretion
In a brawl he could throw your paladin in any direction
And I was feeling pretty good about his progression
Until I met the goblin with the stick

[Verse 2]
The goblin was quite gobby and got right in my face
He called me unprofessional which wasn't the case
I unlimbered my broadsword to put him in his place
I won initiative and swung with natural grace
And then I rolled a one and broke my leg

[Chorus]
Evil dice, I've got evil dice!
They like to kill my characters, it's not very nice
There's no way I can fight them
They can always devise
Some way to turn the tables
And throw a surprise
Disaster in the face of victory

[Verse 3]
So then I tried a half-elven assassin
All slender blades and vials of poison, a fast one
With the dealing death and not averse to passing
Witty remarks over a body she'd been recently outclassing
And then she tried to sneak out past the guards

[Verse 4]
I was making checks for hiding and stealth
She was smirking in a shadow, couldn't help herself
And then I rolled a one and brushed up slightly 'gainst a shelf
Of armour that went crashing on the floor and by itself
A helmet went bouncing down the stairs
Clang, clang, clatter, bash, sad

[Chorus]
Evil dice, I've got evil dice!
They like to kill my characters, it's not very nice
There's no way I can fight them
They can always devise
Some way to turn the tables
And throw a surprise
Disaster in the face of victory

[Verse 5]
Then I thought I'd dabble in the arcane
Gather some eldritch power and go insane
Made a necromancer, used the power of his brain
And summoned shambling things that shouldn't come into this plane
I made him cool, and austere, he’d treat the living with disdain

[Verse 6]
So when we came to our climactic fight (La la la la)
I was nowhere near the front, it was a delight
To be sending zombies down the room to flank them on the right
When I threw a one, but only stumbled slightly
Threw one again, trod on my robe and sprawled
Into my own magic circle

[Chorus]
Evil dice, I've got evil dice!
They like to kill my characters, it's not very nice
There's no way I can fight them
They can always devise
Some way to turn the tables
And throw a surprise
Disaster in the face of victory
Evil dice, I've got evil dice!
They like to kill my characters, it's not very nice
There's no way I can fight them
They can always devise
Some way to turn the tables
And throw a surprise
Disaster in the face of victory

[Outro]
Evil dice