Bells
I wish those bloody bells would stop!
(Oh, it's quite nice, dear
It's Sunday! It's the church)
What about us atheists? Why should we have
To listen to that sectarian turmoil?
(You're a lapsed atheist, dear)
The principle's the same!
Bleeding C of E! The Mohammedans don't
Come 'round here waving bells
At us! We don't get Buddhists
Playing bagpipes in our
Bathroom or Hindus harmonizing in the
Hall! The Shintoists don't come
Here shattering sheet glass in the
Shithouse and shouting slogans-
(Alright, don't practice your
Alliteration on me) anyway! When I get my
Membership card and blazer
Badge back from the League of Agnostics
I shall urge the executive to launch
A protest against that religious racket!
Pass the butter knife! (What?)
PASS THE BUTTER KNIFE! Thank you! If only
We had some kind of missile!
(Hang on, I'll close the window) wHAT?
If only we had some kind of missile
We could take the steam out of those bells!
(Well, you could always use the #14
To Saint Joseph the Somewhat
Divine On the Hill ballistic missile
It's in the attic)
What ballistic missile would this be, then?
(I made it for you
It's your birthday present)
Just what I wanted, how nice
Of you to remember, my pet-
HERE! (What?)
Those bells are getting louder! (What?)
Those bells are getting louder!
(The bells are getting louder-Ooh, look)
WHAT? (The church! It's getting closer! It's
Coming down the hill) wHAT A LIBERTY!
(It's turning into Elm Lane)
Straight through the lights, of course!
(Typical! Well
You'd better go put it out of it's misery)
Where's this missile, then?
(It's in the airing cupboard! Press
The button marked "Church!")
How do i aim it?
(Oh, it automatically homes in on
The nearest place of worship)
That's saint mark's!
(It isn't now -look! Oh
It's opening the gate)
What? use the megaphone!
(it's opening the gate)
I'll pop up to the airing cupboard!
(Hurry up! It's trampling over the begonias)
Did I hit it? (Yes, right up the aisle)
Well, I've always said
There's nothing an Agnostic can't do
If he really doesn't
Know whether he believes in anything or not