Parrot Sketch - Live From Drury Lane,London,United Kingdom/1974

The cast: MR pRALINE
John Cleese sHOP OWNER
Michael Palin

The sketch: A customer enters a pet shop
Mr praline: 'Ello
I wish to register a complaint
(The owner does not respond)
Mr praline: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
Mr praline: I'm sorry
I have a cold i wish to make a complaint!
Owner: We're closin' for lunch
Mr praline: Never mind that
My lad i wish to complain
About this parrot what I
Purchased not half an hour ago
From this very boutique
Owner: Oh yes, the, uh
The Norwegian Blue what's
Uh what's wrong with it?
Mr praline: I'll tell you what's wrong
With it, my lad 'E's dead
That's what's wrong with it!
Owner: No, no, 'e's uh, he's resting
Mr praline: Look, matey, I know a
Dead parrot when I see one
And I'm looking at one right now
Owner: No no he's not dead, he's, he's
Restin'! Remarkable bird, the
Norwegian Blue, idn'it
Ay? Beautiful plumage!
Mr praline: The plumage don't enter
Into it it's stone dead
Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
Mr praline: All right then, if he's restin'
I'll wake him up!
(shouting at the cage) 'Ello
Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh
Cuttle fish for you if you show
(owner hit's the cage)
Owner: There, he moved!
Mr praline: No, he didn't
That was you hitting the cage!
Owner: I never! Mr praline: Yes, you did!
Owner: I never, never did anything
Mr praline:
(yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly)
'ELLO POLLY! Testing! Testing!
Testing! Testing! This is your
Nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps
It's head on the counter throws
It up in the air and watches
It plummet to the floor)
Mr praline: Now that's what I
Call a dead parrot
Owner: No, no no, 'e's stunned!
Mr praline: STUNNED?!
Owner: yeah! You stunned him, just as he
Was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily
Major
Mr praline: Um now look now look, mate
I've definitely 'ad enough of this that
Parrot is definitely deceased
And when I purchased it not 'alf an hour
Ago, you assured me that it's total
Lack of movement was due
To it bein' tired and shagged
Out following a prolonged squawk
Owner: Well, he's he's
Ah probably pining for the fjords
Mr praline: PININ' for the FJORDS?! What
Kind of talk is that?, look
Why did he fall flat on his back
The moment I got 'im home?
Owner: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on
It's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit
Squire? Lovely plumage! Mr praline: Look
I took the liberty of examining
That parrot when I got it home
And I discovered the only reason that it had
Been sitting on it's perch in the
First place was that it had been NAILED there
(pause)
Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If
I hadn't nailed that bird down, it
Would have nuzzled up to those bars
Bent 'em apart with it's beak, and
VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Mr praline: "VOOM"?! Mate
This bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four
Million volts through it!
'E's bleedin' demised!
Owner: No no! 'E's pining!
Mr praline: 'E's not pinin'!
'E's passed on! This
Parrot is no more! He has ceased to
Be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is
Maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e
Rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to
The perch 'e'd be pushing up the
Daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are
Now 'istory! 'E's
Off the twig! 'E's kicked the
Bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil
Run down the curtain and joined the bleedin'
Choir invisibile! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!
(pause)
Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then
(he takes a quick peek behind
The counter) Sorry squire, i've
Had a look 'round the back of the shop
And uh we're right out of parrots
Mr praline: I see i see, I get the picture
Owner: I got a slug (pause)
Mr praline: Pray, does it talk?
Owner: Nnnnot really
Mr praline: WELL IT'S HARDLY
A bloody replacement, iS IT?!
Owner: N no, I guess not
(gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
Mr praline: Well (pause)
Owner: (quietly) D'you d'you want to come back to my place?
Mr praline:
(looks around) yeah, all right, sure