(scripts) Monty Python's Life of Brian

Brian ... the babe they called Brian
Grew ... grew grew and grew, grew up to be
A boy called Brian
A boy called Brian

He had arms and legs and hands and feet
This boy whose name was Brian
And he grew, grew, grew and grew
Grew up to be
Yes he grew up to be
A teenager called Brian
A teenager called Brian
And his face became spotty
Yes his face became spotty
And his voice dropped down low
And things started to grow
On young Brian and show
He was certainly no
No girl named Brian
Not a girl named Brian

And he started to shave
And have one off the wrist
And want to see girls
And go out and get pissed
This man called Brian
This man called Brian

Three camels are silhouetted against the bright stars of the
moonless sky, moving slowly along the horizon. A star leads
them towards Bethlehem. The Wise Men enter the gates of the
sleeping town and make their way through the deserted streets.
A dog snarls at them. They approach a stable, out of which
streams a beam of light. They dismount and enter to find a
typical manger scene, with a baby in a rough crib of straw and
patient animals standing around. The mother nods by the side
of the child. Suddenly she wakes from her lightish doze, sees
them, shrieks and falls backwards off her straw. She's up
again in a flash, looking guardedly at them. She is a ratbag.

Mandy: Who are you?
Wise Man 1: We are three wise men.
Wise Man 2: We are astrologers. We have come from the East.
Mandy: Is this some kind of joke?
Wise Man 1: We wish to praise the infant.
Wise Man 2: We must pay homage to him.
Mandy: Homage!! You're all drunk you are. It's disgusting.
Out, out!
Wise Man 3: No, no.
Mandy: Coming bursting in here first thing in the morning
with some tale about Oriental fortune tellers...
get out!
Wise Man 1: No. No we must see him.
Mandy: Go and praise someone else's brat, go on.
Wise Man 2: We were led by a star.
Mandy: Led by a bottle, more like. Get out!
Wise Man 2: We must see him. We have brought presents.
Mandy: Out!
Wise Man 1: Gold, frankincense, myrrh.

(her attitude changes immediately)

Mandy: Well, why didn't you say so? He's over here...Sorry
this place is a bit of a mess. What is myrrh, anyway?
Wise Man 3: It is a valuable balm.
Mandy: A balm, what are you giving him a balm for? It might
bite him.
Wise Man 3: What?
Mandy: It's a dangerous animal. Quick, throw it in the trough.
Wise Man 3: No it isn't.
Mandy: Yes it is.
Wise Man 3: No, no, it is an ointment.
Mandy: An ointment?
Wise Man 3: Look.
Mandy: (sampling the ointment with a grubby finger)
Oh. There is an animal called a balm or did I dream it?
You astrologers, eh? Well, what's he then?
Wise Man 2: H'm?
Mandy: What star sign is he?
Wise Man 2: Capricorn.
Mandy: Capricorn, eh, what are they like?
Wise Man 2: He is the son of God, our Messiah.
Wise Man 1: King of the Jews.
Mandy: And that's Capricorn, is it?
Wise Man 3: No, no, that's just him.
Mandy: Oh, I was going to say, otherwise there'd be a lot of
them.

(The Wise Men are on their knees)

Wise Man 2: By what name are you calling him?

(Dramatic Holy music)

Mandy: Brian.
Three Wise Men:
We worship you, Oh, Brian, who are Lord over
us all. Praise unto you, Brian and to the
Lord our Father. Amen.
Mandy: Do you do a lot of this, then?
Wise Man 1: What?
Mandy: This praising.
Wise Man 1: No, no, no.
Mandy: Oh! Well, if you're dropping by again do pop in. (they
take the hint and rise) And thanks a lot for the gold
and frankincense but...don't worry too much about the
myrrh next time. Thank you...Goodbye. (to Brian)
Well, weren't they nice...out of their bloody minds,
but still...

In the background we see the Wise Men pause outside another door
as a gentle glow suffuses them. They look at each other, confer
and then stride back in and grab the presents from Mandy and turn
to go again, pushing Mandy over.

Mandy: Here, here, that's mine, you just gave me that. Ow!

The Leper Scene

(As MANDY and BRIAN pass through the city gate, they attract a sort of
muscular, fit and healthy young BEGGAR, who pursues them relentlessly through
the busy streets.)
EX-LEPER
Spare a talent for an old ex-leper, sir.
MANDY
(to EX-LEPER)
Buzz off!
EX-LEPER
(The EX-LEPER has come round to BRIAN's side.)
Spare a talent for an old ex-leper, sir.
BRIAN
Did you say -- ex-leper?
EX-LEPER
That's right, sir. (he salutes) ... sixteen years behind the bell, and
proud of it, thank you sir.
BRIAN
What happened?
EX-LEPER
I was cured, sir.
BRIAN
Cured?
EX-LEPER
Yes sir, a bloody miracle, sir. Bless you.
BRIAN
Who cured you?
EX-LEPER
Jesus did. I was hopping along, when suddenly he comes and cures me.
One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next moment me livelihood's gone.
Not so much as a by your leave.
(gestures in the manner of a conjuror)
You're cured mate, sod you.
MANDY
Go away.
EX-LEPER
Look. I'm not saying that being a leper was a bowl of cherries. But it
was a living. I mean, you try waving muscular suntanned limbs in people's
faces demanding compassion. It's a bloody disaster.
MANDY
You could go and get yourself a decent job, couldn't you?
EX-LEPER
Look, sir, my family has been in begging six generations. I'm not about
to become a goat-herd, just because some long-haired conjuror starts
mucking about. (makes gesture again)
Just like that. "You're cured." Bloody do-gooder!
BRIAN
Well, why don't you go and tell him you want to be a leper again?
EX-LEPER
Ah yeah, I could do that, sir yes, I suppose I could. What I was going
to do was ask him if he could ... you know, just make me a bit lame in one
leg during the week, you know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which
is a pain in the arse to be quite blunt, sir, excuse my French but ...
(They have reached BRIAN and MANDY's house. MANDY goes in. BRIAN gives the
BEGGAR a coin.)
BRIAN
There you are.
EX-LEPER
Thank you sir ... half a denary for my bloody life story!
BRIAN
There's no pleasing some people
EX-LEPER
That's just what Jesus said.

The Inalienable Rights Scene

(A huge Roman amphitheatre sparsely attended. REG, FRANCIS, STAN and JUDITH
are seated in the stands. They speak conspiratorially.)

JUDITH
... Any Anti-Imperialist group like ours must *reflect* such a divergence
of interests within its power-base.
REG
Agreed.
(General nodding.)
Francis?
FRANCIS
I think Judith's point of view is valid here, Reg, provided the Movement
never forgets that it is the inalienable right of every man ...
STAN
Or woman.
FRANCIS
Or woman ... to rid himself ...
STAN
Or herself.
REG
Or herself. Agreed. Thank you, brother.
STAN
Or sister.
FRANCIS
Thank you, brother. Or sister. Where was I?
REG
I thought you'd finished.
FRANCIS
Oh, did I? Right.
REG
Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man ...
STAN
Or woman.
REG
Why don't you shut up about women, Stan, you're putting us off.
STAN
Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg.
FRANCIS
Why are you always on about women, Stan?
STAN
... I want to be one.
REG
... What?
STAN
I want to be a woman. From now on I want you all to call me Loretta.
REG
What!?
STAN
It's my right as a man.
JUDITH
Why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?
STAN
I want to have babies.
REG
You want to have babies?!?!?!
STAN
It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
REG
But you can't have babies.
STAN
Don't you oppress me.
REG
I'm not oppressing you, Stan -- you haven't got a womb. Where's the
fetus going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box?
(STAN starts crying.)
JUDITH
Here! I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually have
babies, not having a womb, which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans',
but that he can have the *right* to have babies.
FRANCIS
Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have
babies, brother. Sister, sorry.
REG
What's the point?
FRANCIS
What?
REG
What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies, when he can't
have babies?
FRANCIS
It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.
REG
It's symbolic of his struggle against reality.

The Front's Demands Scene

(The interior of MATTHIAS'S HOUSE. A cellar-like room with a very
conspiratorial atmosphere. REG and STAN are seated at a table at one end of
the room. FRANCIS, dressed in commando gear -- black robes and a red sash
around his head -- is standing by a plan on the wall. He is addressing an
audience of about eight MASKED COMMANDOS. Their faces are partially hidden.)

FRANCIS
We get in through the underground heating system here ... up through to
the main audience chamber here ... and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here.
Having grabbed his wife, we inform Pilate that she is in our custody and
forthwith issue our demands. Any questions?
COMMANDO XERXES
What exactly are the demands?
REG
We're giving Pilate two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the
Roman Imperialist State and if he doesn't agree immediately we execute her.

MATTHIAS
Cut her head of?
FRANCIS
Cut all her bits off, send 'em back every hour on the hour ... show him
we're not to be trifled with.
REG
Also, we're demanding a ten foot mahogany statue of the Emperor Julius
Caesar with his cock hanging out.
STAN
What? They'll never agree to that, Reg.
REG
That's just a bargaining counter. And of course, we point out that they
bear full responsibility when we chop her up, AND ... that we shall NOT
submit to blackmail.
ALL
(Applause) No blackmail!!!!
REG
They've bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had,
not just from us, from our fathers and from our fathers' fathers.
STAN
And from our fathers' fathers' fathers.
REG
Yes.
STAN
And from our fathers' fathers' fathers' fathers.
REG
All right, Stan. Don't labour the point. And what have they ever given
us IN RETURN? (he pauses smugly)
XERXES
The aqueduct?
REG
What?
XERXES
The aqueduct.
REG
Oh yeah, yeah they gave us that. Yeah. That's true.
MASKED COMMANDO
And the sanitation!
STAN
Oh yes ... sanitation, Reg, you remember what the city used to be like.
REG
All right, I'll grant you that the aqueduct and the sanitation are two
things that the Romans HAVE done ...
MATTHIAS
And the roads ...
REG
(sharply) Well YES OBVIOUSLY the roads ... the roads go without saying.
But apart from the aqueduct, the sanitation and the roads ...
ANOTHER MASKED COMMANDO
Irrigation ...
OTHER MASKED VOICES
Medicine ... Education ... Health
REG
Yes ... all right, fair enough ...
COMMANDO NEARER THE FRONT
And the wine ...
GENERAL
Oh yes! True!
FRANCIS
Yeah. That's something we'd really miss if the Romans left, Reg.
MASKED COMMANDO AT BACK
Public baths!
STAN
AND it's safe to walk in the streets at night now.
FRANCIS
Yes, they certainly know how to keep order ...
(general nodding)
... let's face it, they're the only ones who could in a place like this.
(more general murmurs of agreement)
REG
All right ... all right ... but apart from better sanitation and medicine
and education and irrigation and public health and roads and a freshwater
system and baths and public order ... what HAVE the Romans done for US?
XERXES
Brought peace!
REG
(very angry, he's not having a good meeting at all)
What!? Oh ... (scornfully) Peace, yes ... shut up!

Latin Lesson

Brian is writing a slogan to a wall, oblivious to the Roman patrol approaching
from behind. The slogan is "ROMANES EUNT DOMUS".

C: What's this thing?
"ROMANES EUNT DOMUS"?
"People called Romanes they go the house"?
B: It, it says "Romans go home".
C: No it doesn't. What's Latin for "Roman"?
B: (hesitates)
C: Come on, come on!
B: (uncertain) "ROMANUS".
C: Goes like?
B: "-ANUS".
C: Vocative plural of "-ANUS" is?
B: "-ANI".
C: (takes paintbrush from Brian and paints over) "RO-MA-NI".
"EUNT"? What is "EUNT"?
B: "Go".
C: Conjugate the verb "to go"!
B: "IRE". "EO", "IS", "IT", "IMUS", "ITIS", "EUNT".
C: So "EUNT" is ...?
B: Third person plural present indicative, "they go".
C: But "Romans, go home!" is an order, so you must use the ...?
(lifts Brian by his hairs)
B: The ... imperative.
C: Which is?
B: Ahm, oh, oh, "I", "I"!
C: How many romans? (pulls harder)
B: Plural, plural! "ITE".
C: (strikes over "EUNT" and paints "ITE" to the wall)
(satisfied) "I-TE".
"DOMUS"? Nominative? "Go home", this is motion towards, isn't it, boy?
B: (very anxious) Dative?
C: (draws his sword and holds it to Brian's throat)
B: Ahh! No, ablative, ablative, sir. No, the, accusative, accusative,
ah, DOMUM, sir.
C: Except that "DOMUS" takes the ...?
B: ... the locative, sir!
C: Which is?
B: "DOMUM".
C: (satisfied) "DOMUM" (strikes out "DOMUS" and writes "DOMUM") "-MUM".
Understand?
B: Yes sir.
C: Now write it down a hundred times.
B: Yes sir, thank you sir, hail Caesar, sir.
C: (salutes) Hail Caesar.
If it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.
B: (very reliefed) Oh thank you sir, thank you sir, hail Caesar and
everything, sir!

The Brian in Jail Scene

(BRIAN wakes up with a smile on his face to find himself being dragged along a
cell corridor by TWO GUARDS. The horrible figure of the JAILER spits at him
and flings him into a dark damp cell, slamming the iron grate behind him and
turning the key hollowly in the lock. BRIAN slumps to the floor. A voice
comes out of the darkness behind him.)
BEN
You LUCKY bastard!
BRIAN
(spins around and peers into the gloom)
Who's that?
BEN
(In the darkness BRIAN just makes out an emaciated figure, suspended on the
wall, with his feet off the ground, by chains round his wrists. This is BEN.)
You lucky, lucky bastard.
BRIAN
What?
BEN
(with great bitterness) Proper little gaoler's pet, aren't we?
BRIAN
(ruffled) What do you mean?
BEN
You must have slipped him a few shekels, eh?
BRIAN
Slipped him a few shekels!? You saw him spit in my face!
BEN
Ohh! What wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face! I sometimes hang
awake at nights dreaming of being spat in the face.
BRIAN
Well, it's not exactly friendly, is it? They had me in manacles ...
BEN
Manacles! Oooh.
(his eyes go quite dreamy)
My idea of heaven is to be allowed to be put in manacles ... just for a
few hours. They must think the sun shines out of your arse, sonny!
BRIAN
Listen! They beat me up before they threw me in here.
BEN
Oh yeah? The only day they don't beat me up is on my birthday.
BRIAN
Oh shut up.
BEN
Well, your type makes me sick! You come in here, you get treated like
Royalty, and everyone outside thinks you're a bloody martyr.
BRIAN
Oh, lay off me ... I've had a hard time!
BEN
YOU'VE had a hard time! Listen, sonny! I've been here five years and
they only hung me the right way up yesterday!
BRIAN
All right! All right!
BEN
I just wish I had half your luck. They must think you're Lord God
Almighty!
BRIAN
What'll they do to me?
BEN
Oh, you'll probably get away with crucifixion.
BRIAN
Crucifixion!
BEN
Yeah, first offence.
BRIAN
Get away with crucifixion!
BEN
Best thing the Romans ever did for us.
BRIAN
(incredulous) What?
BEN
Oh yeah. If we didn't have crucifixion this country would be in a right
bloody mess I tell you.
BRIAN
(who can stand it no longer) Guard!
BEN
Nail 'em up I say!
BRIAN
(dragging himself over to the door) Guard!
BEN
Nail some sense into them!
GUARD
(looking through the bars) What do you want?
BRIAN
I want to be moved to another cell.
(GUARD spits in his face.)
BRIAN
Oh! (he recoils in helpless disgust)
BEN
Oh ... look at that! Bloody favouritism!
GUARD
Shut up, you!
BEN
Sorry! Sorry!
(he lowers his voice)
Now take my case. I've been here five years, and every night they take
me down for ten minutes, then they hang me up again ... which I regard as
very fair ... in view of what I done ... and if nothing else, it's taught
me to respect the Romans, and it's taught me that you'll never get
anywhere in life unless you're prepared to do a fair day's work for a fair
day's pay ...
BRIAN
Oh ... Shut up!
CENTURION
Pilate wants to see you.
BRIAN
Me?
CENTURION
Come on.
BRIAN
Pilate? What does he want to see me for?
CENTURION
I think he wants to know which way up you want to be crucified.
(He laughs. The TWO SOLDIERS smirk. BEN laughs uproariously.)
BEN
... Nice one, centurion. Like it, like it.
CENTURION
(to BEN) Shut up! (BRIAN is hustled out. The door slams.)
BEN
Terrific race the Romans ... terrific.

The Pilate's Chamber Scene

(BRIAN is hauled into PILATE'S audience chamber. It is big and impressive,
although a certain amount of redecorating is underway. The CENTURION salutes.)

CENTURION
Hail Caesar.
PILATE
Hail Caesar.
CENTURION
Only one survivor, sir.
PILATE
Thwow him to the floor.
CENTURION
What sir?
PILATE
Thwow him to the floor.
CENTURION
Ah!
(He indicates to the two roman GUARDS who throw BRIAN to the ground.)
PILATE
Now, what is your name, Jew?
BRIAN
Brian.
PILATE
Bwian, eh?
BRIAN (trying to be helpful)
No, *BRIAN*.
(The CENTURION cuffs him.)
PILATE
The little wascal has spiwit.
CENTURION
Has what, sir?
PILATE
*SPIWIT*.
CENTURION
Yes, he did, sir.
PILATE
No, no, spiwit ... bwavado ... a touch of dewwing-do.
CENTURION (still not really understanding)
Ah. About eleven, sir.
PILATE (to BRIAN)
So you dare to waid us.
BRIAN (rising to his feet)
To what?
PILATE
Stwike him, centuwion, vewwy woughly.
CENTURION
And throw him to the floor, sir?
PILATE
What?
CENTURION
THWOW him to the floor again, sir?
PILATE
Oh yes. Thwow him to the floor.
(The CENTURION knocks BRIAN hard on the side of the head again and the TWO
GUARDS throw him to the floor.)
PILATE
Now, Jewish wapscallion.
BRIAN
I'm not Jewish ... I'm a Roman!
PILATE
*WOMAN*?
BRIAN
No, *ROMAN*.
(But he's not quick enough to avoid another blow from the CENTURION.)
PILATE
So, your father was a *WOMAN*. Who was he?
BRIAN (proudly)
He was a centurion in the Jerusalem Garrison.
PILATE
Oh. What was his name?
BRIAN
Nortius Maximus.
(An involuntary titter arises from the CENTURION.)
PILATE
Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?
CENTURION
Well ... no sir.
PILATE
You sound vewwy sure ... have you checked?
CENTURION
Well ... no sir ... I think it's a joke, sir ... like ... Sillius Soddus
or ... Biggus Dickus.
PILATE
What's so funny about Biggus Dickus?
CENTURION
Well ... it's a ... joke name, sir.
PILATE
I have a vewwy gweat fwend in Wome called Biggus Dickus.
(Involuntary laughter from a nearby GUARD surprises PILATE.)
PILATE
Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in
gladiator school vewwy quickly with wotten behaviour like that.
(The GUARD tries to stop giggling. PILATE turns away from him. He is angry.)
BRIAN
Can I go now sir ...
(The CENTURION strikes him.)
PILATE
Wait till Biggus hears of this!
(The GUARD immediately breaks up again. PILATE turns on him.)
PILATE
Wight! Centuwion ... take him away.
CENTURION
Oh sir, he only ...
PILATE
I want him fighting wabid wild animals within a week.
CENTURION
Yes, sir.
(He starts to drag out the wretched GUARD. BRIAN notices that little
attention is being paid to him.)
PILATE
I will not have my fwends widiculed by the common soldiewy.
(He walks slowly towards the other GUARDS.)
PILATE
Now ... anyone else feel like a little giggle when I mention my fwend ...
(He goes right up to one of the GUARDS.)
Biggus ... Dickus. He has a wife you know.
(The GUARDS tense up.)
Called Incontinentia.
(The GUARDS relax.)
Incontinentia Buttocks!
(The GUARDS fall about laughing. BRIAN takes advantage of the chaos to slip
away.)
PILATE
Silence! I've had enough of this wowdy wabble webel behaviour. Stop it!
Call yourselves Pwaetonian guards. Silence!
(But the GUARDS are all hysterical by now. PILATE notices BRIAN escaping.)
PILATE
You cwowd of cwacking-up cweeps. Seize him! Blow your noses and seize
him! Oh my bum.

The Market Haggling Scene

(After BRIAN has escaped the CENTURIONS, he runs off towards the crowded
market square. At one end of the market there is a speakers' corner, with
many strangely bearded and oddly dressed PROPHETS attempting to attract an
audience. The noisiest or the most controversial are clearly doing best at
attracting PASSERS-BY. A STRANGE FIGURE with a rasta hairstyle, covered in
mud, and with two severed hands on a pole waves wildly at the audience.)
BLOOD & THUNDER PROPHET
... and shall ride forth on a serpents' back, and the eyes shall be red
with the blood of living creatures, and the whore of Babylon shall rise
over the hill of excitement and throughout the land there will be a great
rubbing of parts ...
(Beside him, another PROPHET with red hair, none the less fierce, is trying to
attract some of the BLOOD & THUNDER PROPHET'S audience.)
FALSE PROPHET
And he shall bear a nine-bladed sword. Nine-bladed. Not two. Or five
or seven, but nine, which he shall wield on all wretched sinners and that
includes you sir, and the horns shall be on the head ...
(In front of each PROPHET is a ROMAN GUARD, clearly bored but there to break
up any trouble. BRIAN races into the market place. A cohort of ROMANS are
searching the square roughly turning over baskets and shaking down PASSERS-BY.
BRIAN appears near a rather dull little PROPHET, who is standing underneath
the high window that backs out of MATTHIAS' house, the revolutionary HQ.
BORING PROPHET
And there shall in that time be rumours of things going astray, and there
will be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will
really know where lieth those little things with the sort of raffia work
base, that has an attachment they will not be there.
(Across the square the ROMANS appear, searching. BRIAN spots HARRY, the beard
salesman and moves towards his stall, an idea forming in his mind.)
(The BORING PROPHET drones on and on.)
BORING PROPHET
At this time a friend shall lose his friends's hammer and the young shall
not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their
fathers put there only just the night before ...
(BRIAN runs up to HARRY the beard seller's stall and hurriedly grabs an
artificial beard.)
BRIAN
How much? Quick!
HARRY
What?
BRIAN
It's for the wife.
HARRY
Oh. Twenty shekels.
BRIAN
Right.
HARRY
What?
BRIAN
(as he puts down 20 shekels) There you are.
HARRY
Wait a moment.
BRIAN
What?
HARRY
We're supposed to haggle.
BRIAN
No, no, I've got to ...
HARRY
What do you mean, no?
BRIAN
I haven't time, I've got to get ...
HARRY
Give it back then.
BRIAN
No, no, I paid you.
HARRY
Burt! (BURT appears. He is very big.)
BURT
Yeah!
HARRY
This bloke won't haggle.
BURT
(looking around) Where are the guards?
BRIAN
Oh, all right ... I mean do we have to ...
HARRY
Now I want twenty for that ...
BRIAN
I gave you twenty.
HARRY
Now are you telling me that's not worth twenty shekels?
BRIAN
No.
HARRY
Feel the quality, that's none of yer goat.
BRIAN
Oh ... I'll give you nineteen then.
HARRY
No, no. Do it properly.
BRIAN
What?
HARRY
Haggle properly. This isn't worth nineteen.
BRIAN
You just said it was worth twenty.
HARRY
Burt!!
BRIAN
I'll give you ten.
HARRY
That's more like it. (outraged) Ten!? Are you trying to insult me?
Me? With a poor dying grandmother ... Ten!?!
BRIAN
Eleven.
HARRY
Now you're getting it. Eleven!?! Did I hear you right? Eleven? This
cost me twelve. You want to ruin me.
BRIAN
Seventeen.
HARRY
Seventeen!
BRIAN
Eighteen?
HARRY
No, no, no. You go to fourteen now.
BRIAN
Fourteen.
HARRY
Fourteen, are you joking?
BRIAN
That's what you told me to say.
(HARRY registers total despair.)
Tell me what to say. Please.
HARRY
Offer me fourteen.
BRIAN
I'll give you fourteen.
HARRY
(to onlookers) He's offering me fourteen for this!
BRIAN
Fifteen.
HARRY
Seventeen. My last word. I won't take a penny less, or strike me dead.
BRIAN
Sixteen.
HARRY
Done. (He grasps BRIAN'S hand and shakes it.) Nice to do business with
you. Tell you what, I'll throw in this as well. (He gives BRIAN a gourd.)

BRIAN
I don't want it but thanks.
HARRY
Burt!
BURT
(appearing rapidly) Yes?
BRIAN
All right! All right!! Thank you.
HARRY
Where's the sixteen then?
BRIAN
I already gave you twenty.
HARRY
Oh yes ... that's four I owe you then. (starts looking for change)
BRIAN
... It's all right, it doesn't matter.
HARRY
Hang on.
(Pause as HARRY can't find change. BRIAN sees a pair of prowling ROMANS.)
BRIAN
It's all right, that's four for the gourd -- that's fine!
HARRY
Four for the gourd. Four!!!! Look at it, that's worth ten if it's worth
a shekel.
BRIAN
You just gave it to me for nothing.
HARRY
Yes, but it's *worth* ten.
BRIAN
All right, all right.
HARRY
No, no, no. It's not worth ten. You're supposed to argue. "What? Ten
for that, you must be mad!"
(BRIAN pays ten, runs off with the gourd, and fixes the beard on his face.)
Ah, well there's one born every minute.

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life

Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say.
Some things in life are bad,
They can really make you mad.
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle,
Don't grumble, give a whistle!
And this'll help things turn out for the best...
And...

(the music fades into the song)

..always look on the bright side of life!
(whistle)

Always look on the bright side of life...
If life seems jolly rotten,
There's something you've forgotten!
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing,

When you're feeling in the dumps,
Don't be silly chumps,
Just purse your lips and whistle -- that's the thing!
And... always look on the bright side of life...

(whistle)
Come on!

(other start to join in)
Always look on the bright side of life...
(whistle)

For life is quite absurd,
And death's the final word.
You must always face the curtain with a bow!
Forget about your sin -- give the audience a grin,
Enjoy it -- it's the last chance anyhow!

So always look on the bright side of death!
Just before you draw your terminal breath.
Life's a piece of shit,
When you look at it.

Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true,
You'll see it's all a show,
Keep 'em laughing as you go.
Just remember that the last laugh is on you!

And always look on the bright side of life...
(whistle)
Always look on the bright side of life
(whistle)