August 2015 Suicide Note

I don’t know what hurts more
Losing people or losing myself

I hear things ya know? and talk to myself
 I try not to be crazy,  keep my
Composure and be strong, I am strong
But weak at the same time, if that
Even makes sense, the mystery behind me isn’t
Anything cool, or exciting it’s depressing
It’s sad, I’ll always be alone in my
Mind, with my actions, lies, motives

I’ll always lose people because I’m at
Never ending war with myself
I lean on people to save
Me from myself, when in reality the only way
To save me is to kill me

My depressions comforted me for so long
I’ve to some degree become fond or even used
To it, I can’t blame my mom, or
The girls who loved me for leaving
In the end all there is, is
Me, it’s not rewarding or suprising
This character
I’ve become, is it even me? is this
What I wanted? I’m not sure

The nightmares, sleepless nights
Crazy thoughts, they all play a role
I had someone who could
Ease it ya know? and I made it
My goal to ruin it, literally
She was so good to me, she was my heroin, or
"heroine" I broke her, completely
But not only to ruin
Her, to build her, and she hung on
For so long, for so fucking long
Now I’ve reached a point where
I can no longer progress, i’m in a pond
With a canoe rather than in the
Ocean around me in a sailboat

Nothing excites me, nothing will give
Me joy for to long, only pain
And sorrow is what has made
Me feel or comforted me

Being suicidal dosent exactly help
These habit's either
I had a drug stage where I would pop pills
On pills, just to not feel anything at all
I’d get lost, and than create a motive

The problem now is that my motives
Are always surrounded with these evil
Intentions, I’ve come to think I’m
Literally a villain at heart

The thing is, villains are necessary for
A story to go about
But, they never find love, or
Comfort in reasonable motive, just
The craziest the things, when im good im sad
When im bad I feel alive, but than
I hate myself after

My insanity has been feeding on
Me since I could walk
I’d only prayed I’d found
Someone who figured it
Out and had the patience to keep
Me, to disregard the pain and
Only feed me love, it’s selfish of
Me, I know, but where are you
Angel, my wing ridden angel

Save me - xxx